RIP White Minivan - Eulogy

Dear White Van,  How we will miss you.  We've had you for 8 years (bought Apr. of 2004).  We never imagined our relationship would end so violently.  Our last hours together were spent driving to Great Falls to pick up Kent and Josh from the airport.  On the drive I had been contemplating how grateful we were to have such a great van, albeit old.  You had get up and go when we needed it.  You rode so smoothly - just like a car, especially compared to the suburban.  You kept us safe in the winter on the ice with your front wheel drive. Your tape deck didn't work, but the purring of your engine was music enough.  You bore your dents well, like when the Budweiser van backed into you.  Or when Kent backed into the only tree on an acre lot and dented the back hatch, you didn't even complain.  When we made you carry a backpack on long trips, you took it like a champ.  You were stinky because the kids always left apple cores to mold, but you bore it so well. Patience and long-suffering, the best traits a minivan can possess as it struggles to cart a family of eight around. We had just made the commitment last week to get you a lifetime registration in Montana.  We were committed to keeping you until the end of your days.  Your were ours, and we loved you.

It was hard to realize during those last moments that your brakes couldn't stop the inevitable. I wish I could turn back time and do something differently, but there was no way I could miss a vehicle that decided to stop perpendicularly in our lane.  We collided with another white van's front fender. You did your best to take the brunt of it to try to keep us safe.  It was hard to see all your green and red guts spilling onto the pavement, being washed away by the rain.  It's like heaven knew there was a reason to mourn.  As we cleaned all of our belongings out of you, the tow truck driver worked on taking you away from us forever.  I hope that your vital organs (that are still functioning) can still be salvaged to make other minivans whole, possibly bringing joy to other families, you will live on. 

  Always know, we may not have washed you, or vacuumed you out as well as we should have, but we were grateful for you.  May you rest in peace in car heaven, you completed your mission well.

Classics Book Club and Self-Reflection

I finally did it! Something I've been talking about for years...Since we moved to Havre (4 years ago - has it been THAT long?). I took the plunge and started a book club. I was part of one in WA and attended for a  few years there. I still love to check up on those fantastic women through Facebook and their blogs. There is something magical about sharing adventures with fellow readers. You fall in love and hate with the characters, feel their pain together, share in the triumphs and joy! I also learned to see through the different lenses of these women. The character attributes I found strong and admirable, they saw as weak, and deplorable. I grew to love these women and to appreciate their differences, as well as to appreciate what we had in common. Over these years I have missed that emotional outlet, that mutual sharing of ideas and, ultimately, our souls.

Last night I followed the example of one, April Clark.  I hosted our first Classics Book Club. One of the main reasons I chose this group of literature is that I have my children reading classics as the main curriculum for homeschooling. However, it's embarrassing that I haven't read the classics that I'm assigning them to read! I also know from the few classics that I have read, the language, though difficult at first, is rich in description and flavor!  A true feast for the imagination. I also looked forward to the discussions that would be centered around these timeless treasures.  A classic is a classic, precisely because the tales are universal.  The struggles and triumphs in the human existence are not bound by place and time.  The glorious highs and deep sorrows of life are experienced by all of us, no matter our social standing, or period of time in which we live.

Since moving here, I have experienced an awakening.  I have awakened from a numbed existence.  I now realize how dead I was, how separated I was from my true self.  For the first time in years, I want to feel! I used to read to escape life.  Reading gave me a way to leave life and to experience my emotions in a "safe" arena, because my life wasn't safe.  I had to suppress, bury my real emotions. What I honestly felt about my life was so horrific, that I had to bury it in the nethermost part of my psyche.  I felt that if I let myself  really "feel" those things, then I would enter an abyss of sorrow and unhappiness, of such depth, that I would never be able to climb out.  My precariously balanced life would teeter over the edge, I would no longer be able to function as a mother, wife, and daughter of God.  My worth, my value, depended upon what I could accomplish, on what my children could accomplish.  Daily I felt a failure, but I had to hide that from everyone around me - my husband, my family, my friends, people at church, and most importantly, from myself.  Despite doing my best to ignore it, I knew it was there, this hatred of myself and my weaknesess. Keeping this inside me was slowly killing me, wearing me away. My life was unraveling, breaking at the seams. I knew I was clinically depressed, but couldn't bring myself to take medication. I knew there HAD to be another option.  As I write, I feel this sorrow, this sadness choking me. I feel my throat tighten, my nose begins to run, and the tears start to fall.  I was so lost, and felt so alone.

I have since learned that these physical sensations, both pleasurable and painful, are what make this life what it is.  I'm talking about the rush before a sporting event, the sick to your stomach feeling when you hear something horrible, the dry mouth and butterflies in your stomach when you're nervous. All these are examples of physical sensations that come before emotions.   Allowing myself to experience these sensations can be terrifying at times. Now I know that they are what make me alive! As I am learning to sit with them, I am no longer numb. I am present. I'm learning that entering the abyss, and trusting in God, makes these experiences less and less frightening.  He is always there. He always was. The reason I couldn't feel His presence was because I had numbed myself to all negative sensations and, unwittingly, also numbed the positive sensations. Thus, I could not feel that peaceful and calming physical sensation that comes with the Spirit.  I was numb to that all-encompassing warmth that would have let me know that I was encircled about by His love.

How does this relate to a book club, you ask?  I will tell you.  My purpose in reading is to no longer escape this life, but to experience it to the fullest. I will read about these trials and joys in the lives of the characters to see how they mirror my own.  These stories, help me find those things within myself that I need to weed out, as well as to celebrate the strengths that I see within me. I want to search out those weaknesses that I used to hide from myself.  I desire to face them and, painstakingly, remove them. This weeding takes time, patience, and strength.  Much like a vine that has wrapped itself around the base of a plant that I wish to save, I cannot simply rip out the invader.  I must carefully remove its choking fingers, because it has firmly entwined itself around the plant (me). I will not do this weeding alone, but with the help of the Master Gardener. I have also come to find that I am much kinder to myself.  Is it the fault of the plant that a weed grew around its base? Would punishing it help it to grow stronger? Or aid it in being fruitful?  The answer is obviously no.  Therefore, why should I wallow in self-loathing for something that is a natural part of the human existence? Does self-punishment encourage me to grow closer to God? Absolutely not. There is a time in my life when I can clearly see God's hand outstretched. It is when I falter, and in humiliation, accept His Greatest Gift, the Atonement, and feel its healing power in my life.  He has never condemned me, nor sentenced me to suffer. I do that to myself.  His arm is always there, beckoning me to Him, to bask in His Light and Goodness. Repentance is the path to liberty, not condemnation. I've not understood it properly until now. The vines that have bound me, like the plant, have been carefully nurtured and placed by the Adversary with the help of ME! By repenting, I remove these shackles, and free myself to grow into the beautiful woman (plant) that God knows I can be.

Just as I read about the trials of the heroes or heroines, I also admire their stellar qualities.  My goal is to endeavor to find those qualities within me.  I have always shied away from anything that might appear prideful.  In so doing, I censure myself.  Not only am I blessed with many faults and idiosyncrasies, I am blessed with many fine attributes.  Is it wrong to be modest and admit to myself and others that I think that I am an intelligent woman?  That I have a good heart? That I generally love others? That I like to be generous? That I take joy in strengthening others? I would bet that one complaint God has, is that I don't delight in all the goodness that is within me.  Can I boast perfection in any way?  No, but I can enjoy those times when I know that I glorify my God, by doing what is pleasing to Him.


Wow...I had no idea all of this was waiting to come out of me.  I was just going to write a little post of how excited I was to finally have a book club again.  I suppose that is the beauty and simplicity of writing. I was unaware of all these thoughts and emotions rolling around inside of me.  It is freeing to finally feel them by giving a voice to them, and letting them go. Unbeknownst to me, until now, I believe that reading the classics will be a vehicle to transport me to a better self, ultimately aiding me in bringing my will in sync with what God has in store for me.

Photos of Pressure Canned Meat

Over the past week I've pressure canned a total of 29 pints of meat: beef, pork, and venison.  I had 2 pints not seal (because I forgot to wipe off the rims before putting on the lids and rings :-p).  Both pints were pork, and they were so delicious! I was surprised at how much meat fit into a pint.  2 venison roasts filled 4 pints.  I found 2.5-3 pork chops fit in a pint jar.  I've also saved all the bones and made broth with the pressure cooker.  Right now the broth is frozen, but I'd like to can some it.  The following pictures show the Tattler Reusable Canning Lids. They've been great so far! The last picture is of my monster pressure canner.  I found it at Emergency Essentials. It was the best price and was exactly what I was looking for. The qualities I cared  about were that the canner had a weighted gauge (much easier to use), as well as one without a gasket (I didn't want to have to replace one over time). It is able to hold 19 pints and 14 quarts!

Cutting the beef into chunks.

This is the pork cut into chunks ready for the lids.

These are the Tattler Reusable Two-Piece Lids.

Boiling the rings.

Ready to be pressure canned!

Cooling off - All the liquid is made from the meat itself! No water added. 

This monster is my pressure canner. It can hold 19 pints or 14 quarts.
 I forgot to take a picture of it with the lid on :-(

Pressure Canning Meat

The past few days I've been trying to clean out our freezer.  A few years ago we decided to eat a lot less meat. Unfortunately it was right after we had bought an entire cow, AND won a hog.  I sold off some of the meat last year and the rest we've been slowly working on eating.

Two days ago I raided the freezer and found several short ribs, a few top round roasts and several cuts of pork left.  I started pressure cooking the short ribs last night at 4:00pm and by 5:30 we were eating melt in your mouth ribs that tasted like they'd been cooked for hours. Here is the to-die-for recipe link, if you're interested.  We used the sauce as gravy for mashed potatoes.  Instead of the chicken broth, I substituted the beef broth I made in the pressure cooker yesterday.  How did I live without my pressure cooker?

Yesterday, I thawed out some of the roasts and little parts were freezer burned.  I decided I wanted to pressure can these to see how the meat would turn out. I trimmed off the freezer burned parts and then went to work cutting up the meat into chunks.  Canning meat is SO EASY!  After it's chopped up, you stuff it into jars, wipe the rims, place the lids and rings on and then into the pressure cooker.  Yeah, it's that simple. Here is a link to a site I've used a few times to help me with the how-to's of pressure canning. The recipe is for venison, but beef is exactly the same.

Unknown to me, my pressure cooker (8qt) is not supposed to be used to pressure canning. Only the Fagor 10 Qt Cooker/Canner one is.  I'm ignoring that rule.  One no-no in a pressure cooker is to overfill it over the 2/3 mark.  I figure that's why they say not to pressure can with this model. So I only put in 6 pint jars into the canner, even though 7 would fit.

This is also my first chance to use the reusable canning lids that I bought.  If you're interested in learning more about them, the link above will take you to the site.  I was intrigued by these canning lids so I bought a few dozen of both regular and wide mouth lids.

As I write, I hear the steam slowly exhausting from the pressure cooker. I'm so excited to see how tender the meat is! Also, no water is added to the meat, it will produce it's own juices, and I've heard it tastes fantastic!

My Newest Love - My Pressure Cooker

After canning a bunch of dried beans, I was chatting with a friend of mine about how great it is to have canned food ready to heat up.  She shared with me how much she loves her smaller pressure cooker, designed to cook and steam food rather than can it.  I was intrigued. My mom had a small pressure cooker while I was growing up. All I could remember her cooking in it were the dried pinto beans that we ate with ketchup...this alone would not have sold me on the ease of a pressure cooker (wink).  So I started researching....The newer ones they have now are much simpler to use than my mother's was, and to me a lot less scary.  Cooking and steaming foods in a pressure cooker not only cooks them incredibly fast, it also helps preserve those precious nutrients that our bodies need.  These necessary nutrients are desperately needed today where so much of our food is processed and stripped of its original vitality.

I've had my Fagor pressure cooker for just under a month now, and I've used it almost everyday.  I'm not exaggerating!  We use it to cook soup, steam all sorts of veggies, cook fish, chicken, beans, and even rice to name a few. Right now I just threw in some frozen beef bones with seasonings, and I'm making a beef broth.  The size of pressure cooker I bought (8 qt) can also be used for canning small batches in glass jars.  This is nice when you only have a little canning to do because the larger pressure canners can take quite a while to build pressure.  It's important to know that with any size pressure cooker, the cooking time does not start until you have reached the correct pressure. So far the only mishap was when Kent didn't make sure the lid was seated correctly, and the water boiled away when we were going to steam corn.  This is obviously the fault of the user and no fault can be blamed on the cooker (smirk). Luckily the cooker is no worse for wear :-)

If you're interested in purchasing a pressure cooker these were some of the considerations I looked at:

• Size (I have a large family, obviously)
• Positive reviews
• Ease of use
• Cost
• Material (whether stainless steel, or aluminum)

Concerning size, I wanted one that could make a large quantity of soup and could at least fit a large chicken. The 8 qt has been perfect for that, and I love the steamer basket insert.  It fits plenty of potatoes, broccoli or other veggie we are steaming.

I don't know how I ever purchased confidently before I could read reviews on products! I always check Amazon for its reviews.  If you click on this link it will take you to a list of pressure cookers at Amazon. Reviews are always toward the bottom of the particular product page.

 Reading the reviews also put my mind to rest that this particular cooker would be simple and safe to use.

Without question, I want to know I'm getting a good "deal".  Kent teases me incessantly that my family cherishes a "deal", and then hastens to add that it must be pronounced "dill".  It must be my Southern Utah accent coming out :-) After reading all the reviews, I head to Google to find all the sites that have my product, then I click onto www.retailmenot.com to find corresponding coupons for the sites I have found.  After finding the site with the best discount coupon (free shipping, for example) I make my purchase!  I really do love getting a "dill", it's almost as enjoyable as getting the new item!

I know that most large pressure canners are made out of aluminum.  Canning food in glass inside of these is safe. However, aluminum is NOT a safe metal to cook regular food in.  It leaches into the food, and can be dangerous to one's health.  I knew that I would only purchase a stainless steel pressure cooker.

Overall, I am in love! This cooker has done so well for us. The best part is how it saves time in preparing our healthy meals.  LOVE IT!

Scriptures and Legoland

We've been plugging along reading the Book of Mormon as a family.  We started it in January last year in the hopes of finishing by the end of the year.  Though we read nightly, we just didn't make it.  We've been planning a family vacation in Feb. down to Southern California.  During scripture reading tonight, I suggested that we make it a goal to finish by the time we leave.  We have 142 pages left, so we'll have to read almost 4 pages a day to get it done.  The reward will be LEGOLAND.  Mimi wasn't so thrilled, Joshua (who is the most difficult to keep interested in reading) has been dying to go to Legoland.   I'm hoping it will be highly motivating for him (and the rest of the children) and he'll be able to keep focused.  We'll be working on this goal everyday during school, as well as our nightly reading. We already are reading the Children's Bible for school everyday as well, so it will be nice to be surrounded by the stories of great men and women from both sets of scripture.

It was a spur of the moment suggestion...but as I anticipate reading with the children everyday, I'm excited to see what spiritual change this will bring to not only our home, but to me personally.  I've become lax in reading my scriptures daily This will be a great way to immerse myself and rekindle the my love for the Book of Mormon. We still have the best part left to read which is the announcement of the coming birth of Christ and then His visit to the American Continent after His resurrection.

I've been anxiously anticipating this new year. No more plays, construction on the house, no more huge projects to plan for that will suck my time away from family.  Time to focus on my calling of being a wife and a mother.  Time to set boundaries and safeguard our time as a family.  I've never been one to make fancy resolutions, but this year I'm excited for the new beginnings. 

The Forgotten Carols

During the Christmas season this year, Abby, Caleb, and I got to focus on sharing the gospel with those that came to our show.  We were part of the Montana Actor's Theater cast that put on The Forgotten Carols.  I have never seen the original play, but for years, I have loved the songs that Michael McLean wrote.  This play was an adaptation that has never been performed before.  I understand that one of the main differences is that instead of the Uncle John character singing the majority of the songs, the real characters are brought on to sing about their own stories. My favorite part was instead of a man telling Handel's story of auditioning for the Heavenly Choir (and failing miserably) it was my own little expressive Caleb portraying Handel.  He was AMAZING, if I'm not bragging too much (wink wink).  He led our choir as we sang the beautiful Handel medley that McLean wrote.  Caleb's flourishing cutoffs were something to behold.  He has decided that he would like to lead choirs now (insert ridiculously large grin here).

Here are some photos that Kent took of Caleb's performance from our last dress rehearsal:

Handel - explaining that he can't sing and can't be in the Heavenly Choir to announce the Holy Birth

Music comes directly from Handel's heart and he leads the choir - his hands are a blur :-)

The Chorus Master tells him he can't sing with the choir, but Handel has "a different voice. More orchestras and choirs than you can now imagine will give the music of your heart a voice that will echo through time."

Look at that cutoff!

It will always be a special memory that we joined hands as a cast before each show and prayed together to be able to glorify Christ, to be able to touch people's hearts. I particularly appreciated Bill, who played Uncle John.  He is not a member of our church and his faith in Jesus Christ was such a blessing and a valuable addition to this play. 

The best compliment I heard came from Kent's office assistant. She said, "If people didn't know the real meaning of Christmas before they went to the play. They could have no doubt [about the real meaning] after they've seen it."

For those interested in seeing more photos of Caleb, here is a link to our local paper's gallery of photos from The Forgotten Carols. There are even some of me putting on makeup (gasp)...I know, I know, sometimes I DO wear makeup :-)